Love relationships have become more complex than ever before. Gone are the days of courtship, dating and true friendship. Those words have become almost obsolete at best and any reference to them in a relationship risks one to be seen as ‘old-school’.
Things are so much different now. Men don’t want to use the word ‘date’ when he meets a girl he likes, choosing more to be in the hanging out zone than anything. Words such as 'we are talking' or 'I am seeing this person' are very common nowadays. No definition of sorts. Why can’t men simply ask a woman to be his girlfriend or just simply say, ‘I like you, would you be my girlfriend?’ These simple words seem to elude many young men out there and rather confuse a woman with visits to her home, chatting with her brothers and mother, hanging around her in public places and acting like he’s her boyfriend and expects her to assume that he is. This is the same guy who when his friends’ asks who she is says, ‘She bi my paddie’ or ‘we dey.’ what does that mean anyway? Such a person isn’t ready for anything serious.
Ladies, please sit up small! When you meet a guy who can’t come out of his comfort zone and ask you blatantly and openly to be his girlfriend, please and please don’t assume you are his girlfriend.He isn’t saying he loves you and when you ask him to define what you have he makes excuses and starts accusing you of nagging. Sounds familiar?
He may take you out for drinks with his boys, visit you and chat with your mother for hours on end, take you out to lunch at your favourite restaurant but once he hasn’t openly declared or asked to date you exclusively, don’t waste time with him.There is a very high chance that he is doing the same with another woman elsewhere and now he’s caught as to which of the two to decide on.
Note this important fact:
- The fact that he is sleeping with you doesn’t make you his girlfriend either when he hasn’t committed to you. (Hopefully you haven’t slept with him…yet!)
A confident man who knows what he wants in a woman won’t waste time latching on to a jewel once he sees one. A guy who is used to having more than one woman in his life will refuse to commit to you exclusively because its a habit one which will be very hard to break. My experience with such guys never ended well and it won’t for you either. He will choose his boys over you any day and he will complain when you text him too frequently in your search for companionship. I met a man who knew what he wanted and he went straight for the jugular. ‘I like you and i would like us to have a serious relationship.’ Thankfully i liked him so i said yes and we are still going strong. A man knows a jewel when he sees one and nothing more appeals to me than a confident man who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to go for the goal.
What should you do when he can’t define/commit to your relationship?
Tell him what you want
If you are in the relationship for the long haul please let him know. Know what you want as well. Its possible that Kwaku has been calling you of late but its Daniel who really has caught your eye but he too he’s been playing delay tactics. Tell Daniel what you want; no games no hanging out. If Daniel is ready to pick the baton he will tell you, if he isn’t he will tell you. I believe men appreciate women who are confident and are sure of what they want so don’t be afraid to say whats on your heart.
2. Park him in the friend zone with yellow markers
If he doesn’t like your hearts desire find a good parking spot and park him there. Its better to save your heart and emotions from any futuristic heartbreak. Halt the time that you give him. Stop cooking for him whenever he calls you and says he's starving. You aren't his wife and he's just using you to fill his stomach.
Unless you like drama in your life and want to go buck wild crazy on him with hundreds of whatsapp messages asking him to spell out what you have. Be his friend without any benefits…of any kind. If you have already had sex, discontinue it no matter how good it was. Good sex doesn’t mean he’s the one either. Sorry. The two of you should have started out as just friends anyways instead of jumping into the sack within 24 hours of meeting. Whats done is done, so start your life afresh.
3. Move On
Life doesn’t end when a guy you meet and like isn’t able to define your relationship. Move on with your life and get busy with your purpose. Cry if you must but move on and be stronger. Be confident in yourself and your values. Don’t allow external pressure force you to stay in a relationship which makes you compromise your values. Your friends are getting married and its left with you so you decide to stay in an undefined relationship of some sort for almost a year which rolls into two years. This just means you are lying to yourself and your true feelings about the so-called relationship which looks real to the whole world but in your heart all you have is assumptions and more assumptions.
4. Reconnect to Life
Remember the friends you abandoned when you started ‘hanging out’ with Mr Man? Maybe you felt guilty having a sort of relationship which you weren’t proud of so you stayed away from your girlfriends, always coming up with some excuse or the other for failing to turn up to girls night outs. Call them and ask for forgiveness. Call your mother who also warned you about your noncommittal ‘boyfriend’ but you decided to ignore. A relationship is never a reason to blank out other humans in your life. Life doesn’t end with a noncommittal relationship.
So why doesn’t he want to commit?
- Same woman for the rest of his life. Forever.
- Loss of space. Men like their space
- No more freedom. Freedom to stay out all night, GONE. Freedom to sleep in the couch and litter the living room. GONE.
- Fear of another broken heart.
So in case you are seeing or ‘talking’ to a guy and sleeping with him for some time now, but you aren’t sure of where you guys are headed.. try this experiment. Go to his, get him to relax with some laughs and then look him straight in the eye and ask him, ‘What am i to you?’ or ‘Where do you see this relationship heading?’ or you can tell him where your desire for the relationship. Watch his eyes and face very well. Will he look straight at you and answer? Will he start looking for his phone and mutter something? Or will get up from the couch and pretend he left something in his room? Gestures and facial expressions tell a lot. Maybe he needs time to think things through so it will be good to give him that period. No pressure but time isn’t on anyone’s side.
You are worth so much more than you know. Stay focused.